To be fair, there are lots of skills that CERT teaches that will be invaluable come the day:

• How to organize and create infrastructure
• How to assess damage levels of buildings
• How to handle fires
• How to do triage
• How to work in a team efficiently
• How to communicate quickly
• How to treat a variety of injuries (broke bones, bleeding, shock, burns)
• How to prepare for a disaster

They also teach you a lot about a variety of disasters that could happen: earthquake, fire, flood, biological & chemical disasters/warfare. Because, after all, just because the Zombie Apocalypse is going on doesn’t mean there won’t be earthquakes and fires and such.

One of the most useful sections is actually the one about applying all your skills in the face of a biological disaster. It goes into dealing with contamination and limiting the spread of infection.

And this is what you have to keep in mind when it comes to search and rescue. In the Zombie Apocalypse, search and rescue is going to make you vulnerable and get you killed. You don’t want to bring back injured people to your safe zone, because some of those people are going to be contaminated. You have to leave them where they are. Which sucks. But. Otherwise, you spread the infection.

Which brings me to one of the absolutely key elements here that CERT gets right: Don’t be a hero. Here, let me repeat that:

Don’t be a hero.

For reals, folks. Have you ever watched Alien? You know that scene where the ground team is freaking out and trying to get their injured guy on board? And Ripley (wise, wise Ripley) says no, we’ve got to do decontamination and be careful here? And the captain (heroic, doomed captain) overrules her and brings the guy back on board without following procedures? And thereby seals their fates, dooming them all (aside from Ripley) to painful death? Yeah. Don’t be that guy.

Don’t go running off into dangerous buildings alone. Don’t heroically decide to risk yourself to save a kitten. Because, while it plays great in movies, particularly for our individualist focused culture, it’s going to get you killed. And it’s going to get me killed, too. And you know, if you want to make yourself a Darwin Award winner, that’s fine. But you don’t get to take me down with you.

The CERT motto is:

“To do the most good for the greatest number of people in the least time possible.”

And that means you keep yourself alive and in good shape. Because that means you can keep rescuing people. Instead of getting yourself killed along with the kitten when the burning building collapses, you’ll be able to save a dozen other people.  It’s like Spock says at the end of Star Trek II, “the good of the many outweighs the needs of the few.” Don’t disappoint Spock.

1994 Earthquake, a mile from my parents' house.

W00t! I’m now registered for the next CERT course in Mountain View (and my boyfriend is considering joining me). Let me tell you about CERT (Community Emergency Response Team)… Actually, I don’t know much about it yet. But here’s what the website says:

“Over the course of 4 weeks, CERT members receive training in earthquake awareness, disaster fire suppression techniques, disaster medical operations, first aid/CPR, light search and rescue as well as team organization and management. CERT Training culminates with a disaster simulation and comprehensive course review. All classes are taught by trained emergency personnel, including firefighters and emergency medical services personnel, with an emphasis on hands-on practice.”

Sounds like a great foundation for handling the zombie apocalypse.

They’ve also got a class called PEP (personal Emergency Preparedness) which teaches:

• When and how to turn off the gas
• How to use a fire extinguisher
• What to do when phones don’t work
• How to manage when the power is out
• What to do about pandemic flu
• Earthquake Emergency Supplies
• Medical Aid for the first five minutes after an event
• Community Emergency Response information

Which also sounds useful (though potentially redundant).

The program was started by the Los Angeles Fire Department in 1985 and has spread throughout the country, as all good ideas should. Pardon me as I take a moment of home town pride: Woo, LA! We may have fires and mudslides and earthquakes and celebrity car chases, but damn, we know how to handle them!

Ahem.

On a slightly more serious note, programs like CERT are what got my home running again after the Northridge Earthquake in 1994.  See the photo below? It’s also from the 94 earthquake. That crack running across the street… that house is on the same block as these houses, from my ZAR scoring post.

CERT programs exist all over the country. Here’s a directory broken down by state. I’m excited to get CERT training.

Go, thou, and do likewise!