To be fair, there are lots of skills that CERT teaches that will be invaluable come the day:

• How to organize and create infrastructure
• How to assess damage levels of buildings
• How to handle fires
• How to do triage
• How to work in a team efficiently
• How to communicate quickly
• How to treat a variety of injuries (broke bones, bleeding, shock, burns)
• How to prepare for a disaster

They also teach you a lot about a variety of disasters that could happen: earthquake, fire, flood, biological & chemical disasters/warfare. Because, after all, just because the Zombie Apocalypse is going on doesn’t mean there won’t be earthquakes and fires and such.

One of the most useful sections is actually the one about applying all your skills in the face of a biological disaster. It goes into dealing with contamination and limiting the spread of infection.

And this is what you have to keep in mind when it comes to search and rescue. In the Zombie Apocalypse, search and rescue is going to make you vulnerable and get you killed. You don’t want to bring back injured people to your safe zone, because some of those people are going to be contaminated. You have to leave them where they are. Which sucks. But. Otherwise, you spread the infection.

Which brings me to one of the absolutely key elements here that CERT gets right: Don’t be a hero. Here, let me repeat that:

Don’t be a hero.

For reals, folks. Have you ever watched Alien? You know that scene where the ground team is freaking out and trying to get their injured guy on board? And Ripley (wise, wise Ripley) says no, we’ve got to do decontamination and be careful here? And the captain (heroic, doomed captain) overrules her and brings the guy back on board without following procedures? And thereby seals their fates, dooming them all (aside from Ripley) to painful death? Yeah. Don’t be that guy.

Don’t go running off into dangerous buildings alone. Don’t heroically decide to risk yourself to save a kitten. Because, while it plays great in movies, particularly for our individualist focused culture, it’s going to get you killed. And it’s going to get me killed, too. And you know, if you want to make yourself a Darwin Award winner, that’s fine. But you don’t get to take me down with you.

The CERT motto is:

“To do the most good for the greatest number of people in the least time possible.”

And that means you keep yourself alive and in good shape. Because that means you can keep rescuing people. Instead of getting yourself killed along with the kitten when the burning building collapses, you’ll be able to save a dozen other people.  It’s like Spock says at the end of Star Trek II, “the good of the many outweighs the needs of the few.” Don’t disappoint Spock.

Hingson and his guide dog, Roselle, after 9/11

World War Z aside, it seems to me that being blind during the zombie apocalypse is pretty much a death sentence. (Or, you know, being me without my contacts. That’s a death sentence, too.) But, add in a seeing eye dog, well…

The dog is going to hear anyone coming a lot sooner than you will. And a lot sooner than a sighted person could see a zombie, I’m guessing. Likewise, the dog is going to *smell* a zombie in hiding (assuming zombies are wise enough, or lucky enough, to hide and then ambush you). The dog is also going to be expert at communicating and herding his person. But… with fast zombies, is that going to be enough? Can a dog move their person fast enough to get out of the way? Would the dog risk contracting zombie-dom by biting an attacking zombie?

Which leads to a slightly more general question of whether or not a dog (seeing eye or not) could take down a zombie. They’d have to deal with the same problems we would – pain will not stop the zombie. Normally mortal wounds would not stop the zombie.

How would dogs fare, in general, in the zombie apocalypse? I doubt they would abandon us, seeing as hundreds of thousands of years have gone into our relationship with them. Cats, on the other hand, would be gone in an instant, I suspect.

I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if guide dogs somehow managed to protect their people through a zombie apocalypse. They are pretty damn awesome dogs.

Skills covered are:

• Building Shelter
• Making a Fire
• Learning Edible Plants
• Making Traps

The big question becomes when to do it.

I drive an automatic. Most people in the US do. It’s the easy option. But, come the Day of Apocalypse (DoA – very appropriate, no?) you may need to know how to drive something else. Just imagine:

You’re running from a horde of zombies. Up ahead you see a car. Maybe the door is unlocked. Maybe you break the window to get in. Doesn’t matter. You get in the car thinking, oh, thank god, I can get out of here. And then you realize – it’s a stickshift. Shit. What do you do now? You kinda vaguely remember that one time you tried to drive stick and you stalled out the car in the middle of an intersection and your cousin, who was teaching you, laughed. Not promising.

Meanwhile, the zombie horde has caught up. They’re pounding on the car. If you didn’t break the window, well, they’re about to. You could get out. You could flee, and potentially mow a bunch of them down, except you don’t know how to drive the car. As the first one lays a clammy hand on you, you find yourself wishing you’d punched that cousin in the face and then gotten a better teacher to show you how to actually drive stick.

I do not want to be that person. Which means I’d better get someone to teach me stick shift. Someone other than Jason, since I’m specifically excluded from his insurance policy (thanks awfully, AAA). He’s also specifically excluded by my policy (thanks again, AAA).

Then, motorcycles. Not actually good defensive vehicles. Or good offensive vehicles. But, when you need to move fast and you’ve got your legs or a motorcycle… motorcycle. Those puppies are fast and maneuverable. They can go around turns and through small blocked areas that cars cannot. Admittedly, you’re road sushi as soon as you stop or get thrown anywhere near a zombie.

In a Mad Max world, you drive what you can get.

So. Time to learn to drive stick. But motorcycles… I’m not so sure about motorcycles. They kinda freak me out.

(In the process of writing this I realized there’s another skill you’ll need – hotwiring cars. Somehow, I suspect it’s gonna be harder for me to find a teacher for that one.)

Eight of us went shooting, and I wasn’t even the least experienced person! That was awesome.

We decided to go for an indoor range since it was cold out and we were worried about rain. It didn’t rain. And, ironically, the indoor range was far colder. Lucky for me that I had my typing gloves in my bag. Of course, it is good practice for fleeing to the frozen north.

I’d like to claim that all those shots on the zombie are mine, but they aren’t. I did land several, though.

Practice with firearms is clearly going to be a big deal. Even more so than, in, say, your standard post apocalyptic Mad Max style society where all you have to worry about are other people.

The threat of a gun would be sufficient to stop some folks, a flesh wound would be sufficient to stop others, and still others could be taken out via shots to key parts of the body. Even with the kind of mutated monsters you might be dealing with in a nuclear disaster style apocalypse, you can hit them in key areas to immobilize them.  But with a zombie, you always have to hit the head.

Which brings us to the key lesson learned that day:

Get a shotgun.

This weekend is an outing to a shooting range, so those of us who don’t know how to shoot can learn and those who do can show off and those who are gun crazy can play with their new toys (nine attendees in total).

Then there’s CERT at the end of the month (I’ve convinced three other people to do it, too!) And Edible and Medicinal plants at the start of February.

Tomorrow, I tackle the climbing gym. Not literally. Well, maybe literally. There is a climbing gym. I will go there. I will sign up for a month’s membership, because for the month of January they have no initiation fees at Planet Granite. Woo. This can double for Ninja Training as well as Zombie Apocalypse training. Perhaps it can triple for Cat Burgling, too.

Ah, the career options your high school career counselor never told you about.

The next taster/intro class is February 6th, somewhere in the East Bay. I’m thinking this is a must. If the taster class works out, then maybe one of the weekenders. Or some of the other classes they have, like surviving in the wild.

That’s assuming they aren’t too frou-frou.

1994 Earthquake, a mile from my parents' house.

W00t! I’m now registered for the next CERT course in Mountain View (and my boyfriend is considering joining me). Let me tell you about CERT (Community Emergency Response Team)… Actually, I don’t know much about it yet. But here’s what the website says:

“Over the course of 4 weeks, CERT members receive training in earthquake awareness, disaster fire suppression techniques, disaster medical operations, first aid/CPR, light search and rescue as well as team organization and management. CERT Training culminates with a disaster simulation and comprehensive course review. All classes are taught by trained emergency personnel, including firefighters and emergency medical services personnel, with an emphasis on hands-on practice.”

Sounds like a great foundation for handling the zombie apocalypse.

They’ve also got a class called PEP (personal Emergency Preparedness) which teaches:

• When and how to turn off the gas
• How to use a fire extinguisher
• What to do when phones don’t work
• How to manage when the power is out
• What to do about pandemic flu
• Earthquake Emergency Supplies
• Medical Aid for the first five minutes after an event
• Community Emergency Response information

Which also sounds useful (though potentially redundant).

The program was started by the Los Angeles Fire Department in 1985 and has spread throughout the country, as all good ideas should. Pardon me as I take a moment of home town pride: Woo, LA! We may have fires and mudslides and earthquakes and celebrity car chases, but damn, we know how to handle them!

Ahem.

On a slightly more serious note, programs like CERT are what got my home running again after the Northridge Earthquake in 1994.  See the photo below? It’s also from the 94 earthquake. That crack running across the street… that house is on the same block as these houses, from my ZAR scoring post.

CERT programs exist all over the country. Here’s a directory broken down by state. I’m excited to get CERT training.

Go, thou, and do likewise!

1. Walking/Running at least 3 times a week, in order to increase endurance and speed, for fleeing as necessary.
2. Weights/Climbing. Not sure which… This may necessitate getting a membership at Planet Granite. If I can afford it. Do they ever have coupons? Or guest passes?
3. Emergency Medical Training with Mountain View CERT. Dependent on when they run their next class.
4. Practice marksmanship. I’ve already gone shooting a few times, and J is more than happy to take me.
5. Practice Situational Awareness. Tadao gave me a major head start on that one when we went walking last week, pointing out places zombies could be hidden, items that could be used as weapons, and which buildings would be safe and which would fall to the zombie hordes immediately. The man is actually kinda terrifying when you think about it. Except he’s so nice! Maybe it comes from playing cops on TV…

I also have a preliminary list of training manuals and research materials.

1. World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War – Love this book. Read it for work two years ago. Still tickled that my undergrad stars so prominently in it.
2. The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead – I clearly need to get a copy of this.
3. The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks – And possibly this…
4. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance – Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! – I have a copy of this I need to read.
5. SAS Survival Handbook, Revised Edition: For Any Climate, in Any Situation – Definitely, definitely this.

Anyone interested in taking the EMT class with me? Or doing any of the other things on the list? I know Cormac’s down for chasing each other through the park while pretending to be zombies. Maybe we could start a Zombie Apocalypse Reading Group (ZARG) or Zombie Apocalypse Watching Group for movies (ZAWG)*.

*This means everyone who came to watch Dead Snow with J and me a month or so ago is an honorary member of ZAWG already.

Only one of these two houses has a chance of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse; can you tell me why?

House 1

House 2

It’s not location. They’re only about a block apart, along a busy street. But look at House 1! That pretty arching window looks like a perfect place for a zombie to make a dramatic appearance, don’t you think? It even looks kinda like a target. So let’s say that’s a -1 on the ZAR scale.

The door to the house, which is hidden in shadow in the first picture, is pretty much the same shape, just smaller. But still with lots of glass. It would be far too easy for a zombie to smash through.  – 1.

The front yard is easy access, too. No wall. No gate. No moat. No sharpened stakes placed at angles. Just flat grass and a cement walkway. That’s another – 1.

There’s a decent sniper position, using the small windows on the right side of the house. It would be quite possible to pick off zombies from there should you be so lucky as to have a firearm handy. Or a crossbow, I suppose. But I’d vote for the firearm. That might work to take out a party of five zombies. But a large group would push right through and run you out of ammo. So… let’s say that’s a + 0.5

And then… single level. No upper floor to hide out in while the zombies rampage below (because we all know they’re totally going to get in). – 1

ZAR score = 1.5

Now for House 2. Look at those windows! I love those windows. Not just because their uniform neatness makes my OCD happy. But look how high they are off the ground. And how small. No zombie of a size small enough to squeeze through is going to be able to reach, without climbing over the decaying bodies of its brethren. Which could happen. But it would take a while for the zombie carcasses to pile up high enough. +1

Plus, the windows make a good snipering location to pick off zombies as they approach. +1

The front yard is open, it’s true. But the concrete path doesn’t lead straight up to the door, unimpeded. There’s a wrought iron gate set into a wall of concrete bricks (hard to see in the photo, my apologies). +1

You can’t even see the front door from the street. That’s good. + 1

Single story, though. The zombies get in, and you’re toast. -1

ZAR score = 3